Lingering

the way it lingers—
popping up at the least expected
times
but how could it go away?
living in this city, country,
where i walk down the street
accosted.

sometimes i wonder why i can’t
shake it
it can feel hopeless when after so
much
talking, action, healing…
that it takes only a moment
to be back in that place of pain,
damage.

sometimes it is easy to find my way
back out,
but other times when i see his
face, her intentions,
or their violence
in the face of
someone who only has love for me,
i get stuck.

the way it lingers
in how i don’t trust myself
or you
16
in how i protect myself even when
there
is nothing to protect myself from.

as i write,
it’s fear and shame that lingers.
fear of being too bold
too open
about what has happened to me
maybe what I still fear is not being
believed—

it also lingers,
in a place that sometimes feels like
rage or
(com)passion
that motivates and energizes me to
move forward
that allows me to feel someone’s
pain
and rage
that allows me to take action.

the way it lingers—
to remind me to be vigilant about
using my pain
to put down, hurt, oppress
someone else.
the way it lingers—
helps me resist…

by holding hands with my
partner
in a place that may not be “okay”

the way it lingers—
helps me resist…
by calling some man
on his shit
when he tries to claim
my body,
my space.

it lingers because i don’t understand
why my wholeness is scary to you;
most of all, why is it scary to me,
sometimes?

Jen

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