context clues year: 2005 i often visit stored images in my mental gallery. head cocked and hand under chin, i stand in front of frida kahlo’s* self- portrait. in deep concentration, i master self-curated details, beauty, unibrow, and a  p r o n o u n c e d mustache.   in a similar manner, i study the necks of women i sit behind on buses and trains. skin tags. thickened black patches and excess flaps of flesh. my betting-woman’s diagnosis of insulin resistance or pcos*. my eyes subtly veer around to their profile. sometimes, coarse sideburns, chin hairs, and fuzzy overlays above top lips shamefully stare back. estrogen and testererone not playing nice together.   i want to touch these sistas and say, “you are beautiful.” hug them and say, “you are whole.” protect them and say, “do you sometimes feel like you are outside of yourself, throwing tantrums?” understand them and say, “when you’re asked, what does it feel like? it’s okay if words can’t explain. our hormones converse with stars; they’re libra’s, needing to be balanced."    az i mature, i contemplate pregnancy. images of high school gym class. the videotape of thousands of sperm journeeing toward the egg. birth control pills become my double-edged sword. a prophet told me that i wuz not meant to bear my own, but to rear young lost and abandoned souls.  still i ask.   will a baby ever swell my stomach and travel my canal? this question iz capsized az i continue down my mental gallery’s corridor. i pause at a freak show.  i deliberate on the bearded lady and the jovial f a t  lady on display. i flash to obese women, with shortened breaths climbing the steep stairs of cta buses.* protruding jiggling bellies aren’t always about ingesting hoards or supersizing meals. for some of us, it’z about endocrine and metabolic dysfunctions. were the fat ladies on the bus told, “try weight watchers, get a membership to curves,” without having their insides tested or explored? the halls in my gallery are infinite displays of other. images of genitalia ambiguity and ambiguous identity, bodies in public spaces.  their bodies are other becuz of chromosomes. my body is other becuz of hormones. in my hall of popular culture there are c  o  m  p  a  r  t  m  e  n  t  a  l  i  z e d female bodies. apple bottoms, music video crouch shots, and breasts with no faces. non-linear segmentations. dove soap's campaign for real beauty, holds me captive. full women with exposed flesh, jeered for a proper representation of the average-sized american woman. bodies that further challenge commercialized beauty and femininity. framed book covers hang on my wall of inspiration. audre lorde’s cancer journals, reminds me not to silence my voice or make my body invisible.   these days, i spend most of my time in the gallery of self. a special exhibit of me healthy, wiggling my toes in bluegrass, adorned in a crowning white light, rainbow kisses on my cheeks, and communal babies, bouncing on my lap. *Frida Kahlo, Mexican artist. *PCOS- polycystic ovary syndrome, the most common endocrine and metabolic dysfunction among childbearing women.  most women with pcos have increased testosterone and insulin levels.   infertility is a common side effect of the syndrome.   *CTA- Chicago Transit Authority (c) 2005 all rights reserved by veronica precious bohanan. duplications are not allowed.